I Tried So Hard and Got Far Enough
I'm writing this on a real keyboard and it feels so good. This took longer to get down than I thought it would. I’m going to jump around a little to wrap this chapter up so enjoy.
I summited Katahdin on September 6th. The 5000 foot climb up Mt K was windy and cold. Then windy, cold, and rainey. When it was still windy, cold, and wet, it stopped raining to hail. It was so windy it hailed in my mouth and I chewed on a couple of hail bits like ice cubes. I met some day hikers who bailed because the conditions sucked, then hitched my wagon to a couple of fast day hikers because hiking alone felt unsafe. And I needed someone to take my picture at the top or else what was this even all about. After passing the tree line, and scrambling up to The Gateway I got emotional, but the wind stole the tears out of my eyes.
Leading up to the end, the last section was The Hundred Mile Wilderness. It sounds treacherous, it’s flat as a pancake after the first two days. I really took my time because I struggle to slow down and see things through. I love the hit of dopamine that comes with starting a new project or task. That's how your brain works. You get one hit at the beginning, there’s a lull, and then another hit at the end. Trust me, I've done a lot of research on executive function, I even talked to an occupational therapist. Your brain's chemical reward system is based on initiating and completing tasks, which used to be essential for survival. But now we have refrigeration and hospitals. We also have short form video content, which has infiltrated that system and made life harder. By giving you immediate and frequent dopamine hits, you erode your ability to go longer stretches of time without the "completion" hit. You just get high on the first initiation hit, and get another one, then another one. That's why you give up on things that take a long time to get good at. That’s why persistence without immediate reward is unappealing. Anyway, I was determined to take my time in this last stretch of woods. Even if my body was ready to be done, my mind wasn’t. This whole thing took six months, so what was another few days. In the last hundred miles, I mixed in a 6 mile day and chased it with a zero. I wanted to get back to TV and real food and friends, but I thought I would want to be back on trail when I was done.
The last installment of the woods was mystical and took me on a journey forward to my post trail future and backward through my pre-trail existence. I saw how I move through life and how life moves through me, and how my perspective distorts and shapes the reality that I experience. I watched the trees of the river banks sway with the wind and understood how growth over time can stunt or sponsor flexibility and openness. I asked if I would be able to find the trail in other parts of my life, if I would be able to return to my experience, and realized that my survival depends on it. I swam every day that last week on the famous sand beaches of Central Maine. I enjoyed more campfires and savored my poptarts. I followed a snapping turtle for an hour.
I did two things differently compared to other hikers that improved my experience. I stretched more than anyone else I met. This surprised me. It’s easy to commit to a big adventure, but hard to commit to daily maintenance. The fear of quitting and having to tell everybody I succumbed to an overuse injury (the most common reason for leaving trail) without doing everything in my power to prevent it, kept me honest and limber. I also read my kindle nearly every night. Maybe Yer Honor read more than me. It’s not a competition, but if it was, we’d be first and second place.
Here are two things I learned on the trail. These apply to me and maybe you too, but it’s possible that you, the reader, have cracked this code on these and I’m just catching up now.
Lesson one. Think harder than you need to. Many times I would go into town and return to trail and quickly realize I missed a chance to get something that wasn’t essential, but would have made my life easier. Or sometimes I would say no to something, in the spirit of getting back to what I was doing, and then regret not taking the chance to ensure things went better. If this is confusing, here’s another angle, where I kind of wrote about this before. Shallow fathoming! Whenever I couldn’t believe something turned out the way it did, I would pause and think, was it actually that unfathomable? The answer is almost always no. Unfathomable should be reserved for meteors and M. Night Shyamalan. When it comes to the majority of outcomes and consequences caused by my actions or familiar circumstances, I can reasonably imagine them. I’m going to try to think a little harder, and then maybe fewer things will surprise me and I can be more prepared and not run out of electrolytes -among other things. David Goggins talks about visualizing both success and failure and if I can combine this with my daydreaming prowess, I’m golden.
I also wrote about gratitude and now I am better at that too. Being grateful enhances great things and helps dull misfortune. People quit the trail for reasons beyond their control and I was not one of them. I have gratitude for that. Also, at any and all times, someone is having a harder time than you. Whether it’s getting caught in rain at inopportune moments or slipping on a bog board and dislocating your elbow (shout out bushwack who still finished), someone is ALWAYS having a harder time. Disaster did not strike me this time, and I am incredibly grateful for that. The people who have seen the photos of my bat bug bites may feel differently. The fact that my life path wound in a way that allowed me to walk from Georgia to Maine is also reason for intense gratitude. It’s overwhelming. I’m grateful for the zillion Snicker bars I ate. For the sun that shined on me while I walked, for each and every breeze that cooled me, for the views that greeted me, and for the brightness of the people I met. Yes, the weather was nice. I’m grateful for my body and mind holding up. Nobody was a hater about this, everyone was super supportive of my journey. It was a privilege to carve this time out of my life, and each time I stretched -okay almost each time I stretched- stinky wet socks across my toes and squelched them over my foot, I knew I was fortunate beyond belief. For this I am also very grateful.
Many people have asked if I am going to do another hike like this again. Right now I have a hard time imagining bailing on life for another 6 months, so another long trail is not happening anytime soon. That being said, I began as a novice, in awe of the hikers who knew their shit. People had routines and systems dialed in. Now I know how to plan my resupplies, how to make the most out of my days. When to push, when to chill, what foods are calorie dense. There are several gear upgrades I have my eye on. With all this knowledge I can hike more, think less, and kick back. I don’t want to let that slip away like my ability to hit a tennis ball did after high school. If I wanted to hike another trail right now, I would be able to enjoy it more, and that is the opposite of lost on me. Found on me? Maybe the Colorado Trail or the John Muir Trail since those are much shorter, but I have a whole lot of life to catch up on first. I also need income.
My AT Thru Hike By the (some) Numbers:
2,197.9 - Miles hiked
191 - Days. I mostly slept in my tent, sometimes shelters, rarely hostels, and most rarely motels
50 - Snickers bars consumed. This is a rough guess.
40 - Small towns visited along the trail. This is a smooth guess.
15.5 Books - I would split them into three categories. Literature, Non-Fiction, and Fantasy + Ward D. I recommend them all, but I’ve bolded my favorites.
12 - Blog posts
5 Podcasts listened to- I kept up with Pablo Torres Finds Out, the Pulitzer winning podcast that blew the lid off the cap circumvention scheme perpetrated by the LA Clippers and Steve Ballmer
Literature
The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov - This was a little above my pay grade, but entertaining. Really smart people like this book a lot more than I do.
Cat’s Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut - A classic, nearly all of the characters are idiots except the San Lorenzoans
Moby Dick by Herman Miller - I’m not done reading this yet, but it’s literally a wild adventure. It’s riiiiight at the line of my reading comprehension. I’ll read some stuff and be like what the fuck just happened, but I can get the gist. Before reading this, I thought Ishmael was the whale, no joke.
Non Fiction
Endurance by Albert Lansing -made my journey seem warm, dry, and easy.
Can’t Hurt Me by David Goggins -some good lessons and wild takes.
When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron - I’ve written enough about Pema’s wisdom.
The Man Who Loved Only Numbers by Paul Hoffman -This was the only book I ended up slogging through by the end. Cool mini biography, but too much math.
Fantasy + Ward D
Based on a True Story by Norm McDonald - A hilarious memoir that is filled with lies
The rest of the Dark Tower Series by Stephen King - King said he wrote this series to blend The Good the Bad and the Ugly and The Lord of the Rings. He nailed it.
Wizard and Glass
Wolves of the Callah
Song of Susannah - surprisingly meta and hilarious
The Dark Tower
Red Rising Trilogy by Pierce Brown - Hunger Games / Game of Thrones. I devoured these three books
Red Rising - Ender’s Game x Game of Thrones x Hunger Games (Games abound!)
Golden Sun
Morning Star
Ward D by Frieda McFadden -great beach read with twists
What’s next for Potential Credentials?
I’m going to add some AT pictures to the Surprise Me tab. After that I’m not sure. This has been a lot of fun and I want to continue writing in some form, so I might post again in a few months, but I don’t think it will be about hiking. Unless I just go right back to hiking again. I don’t think I will, but it’s a non-zero chance. It's hard to close a chapter on the journey/vacation of a lifetime, but that's exactly what I have to do. I still feel like I'm only visiting Buffalo. I have a feeling that will change soon. One of the reasons I loved preparing for the AT was for the first time in a while, I could tell you exactly what my life was going to look like in 6 months or a year and now that horizon has vanished. I've invited a new kind of unpredictability back into my life, but I'm excited at the prospect of figuring it out -not for the first time and certainly not for the last. So long for now. Thank you again for reading.
