Your Favorite State Motto's Favorite State Motto
"You're what's called an awfulizer"
(me when I see a deli)
"What's that?"
"It's someone who is always able to find the worst possible outcomes"
"How so?"
"I asked if there were some places to cool off in the river around here, and you told me about all of the ways people have died in the undertow"
"Oh yeah, I kind of like that, like a pessimist"
Carly, a Kent local, regailed Josie and I with tales of her EMT calls as my clothes tumbled dry. Many ended in at least one death. I learned about the shenanigans at Camp Getaway where Josie works. The international counselors fraternize and the children don't fear bears. It was the best time I've ever had in a laundromat. The bar was low, but now it's high.
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I popped into Harrisburg PA to see Larry, my good friend and former co-intern.
We caught up as old friends do. I planned on getting eight hours of sleep, but once the ball gets rolling the conversation gets better. We got to talking about how we all have these versions of ourselves that exist in our head, and how those compare to the actors that play us in the live action movie of life. Then he shared a surprising source of inspiration, North Carolina's state motto.
"Esse quam videri"
"To be, rather than to seem"
Damn. New York's is Excelsior. One word. That's as much of a motto as "hike." Or, "live."
Larry says Barack Obama is the guy he is in his head. He is who he seems. His reality matches the internal screenplay. Sounds cool, but does that guy even win fake arguments in the shower? Does he just stand in the water like "yup, nailed it again."
I spend plenty of time in my head. Entertaining places I'll never go, and places I'll never go again.
Nat Friedman is an investor and Big Nerd with a website I admire, both the style and substance. One of the things he believes is that "it's important to do things fast" because "You learn more per unit time because you make contact with reality more frequently." This idea has lodged itself in my brain, that reality is this live wire, and to grab it, we need to leave our heads and act. Like we're blindfolded, trying to follow a path towards our destiny using our sense of touch. Right, then left, then right, then left, and so on. More action, more reality. Here's a drawing of how it looks in my head.
It can be easy to forget what happened the last time we encountered reality if we're only leaving our mind's cabin when we're out of firewood. Momentum is a powerful force, so do things fast or else.
Don't live to create contradictions between what you want and what you do. These differences create tension, when we want to seem one one way to ourselves, but our actions prove otherwise. I'm still working on this. I try to sit in the moment, practice gratitude and patience, wake up with enough time to walk 25 miles. I'm successful sometimes.
"We think that if we just meditated enough or jogged enough or ate perfect food, everything would be perfect. But from the point of view of someone who is awake, that's death. Seeking security or perfection, rejoicing in feeling confirmed and whole, self-contained and comfortable, is some kind of death. It doesn't have any fresh air. There's no room for something to come in and interrupt all that. We are killing the moment by controlling our experience. Doing this is setting ourselves up for failure, because sooner or later, we're going to have an experience we can't control: our house is going to burn down, someone we love is going to die, we're going to find out we have cancer, a brick is going to fall out of the sky and hit us on the head, somebody's going to spill tomato juice all over our white suit, or we're going to arrive at our favorite restaurant and discover that no one ordered produce and seven hundred people are coming for lunch."
Things fall apart and come together. Acting accordingly means greeting each moment with curiosity. Fortunately, moments, like everything else are temporary, so even though the moment just ended, there's another moment right now. And now. We have an infinite amount of chances to relate to our circumstances. I'm literally moving forward all the time but it's also the most still I've been in a long time, maybe ever. This is in between all the resupply logistics, finding potable water, and searching for places to poop in public. I'm also still so much myself. New habits and practices, but I'm still very much me. This is the perfect opportunity but it's still work.
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I picked a bad town to have my resupply box mailed to, and wouldn't you know it, I was probably getting there on a Sunday. I'm really good at getting to my resupply towns on Sundays, like scary good.
So, like Pema suggests, I'm giving up hope that accurate resupply boxes will deliver me to thru hiking Nirvana. Instead I'm savoring the moments I have out here. Each side quest and forced pause is a gift. I'm gonna wish I had more once it's all over.
Pema says:
"Everything in life is a mind game! Whenever we get swept under by life's dramas, large and small, we are forgetting that no matter how bad the pain gets, no matter how harrowing the torture, all bad things end."
Just kidding that's not American Nun Pema Chodron, that's a quote from Navy SEAL and social-media-jacked-guy David Goggins.
After finishing my reread of When Things Fall Apart, I downloaded Goggins' book, Can't Hurt Me. I love a memior. I was talking to Corky and Ranger, two ultra marathoners who intently followed the World Cup, and Ranger casually mentioned the spectrum of self help books, with Goggins firmly rooted in the fuck-your-feelings end.
Eminent strongman, Luke Johnson, likes to learn about singular topics by reading two books with opposite perspectives. I saw an opportunity to find what the nun and warrior have in common.
Both authors stress the importance of self honesty. Without confronting your status, character, fears, and insecurities, they argue that foundations built without that knowledge aren't sturdy. Pema and David prescribe different therapies for how you should relate to your current circumstances, and how you relate to the essential suffering and pain of your existence.
Pema's approach is like a guided wine tasting. Greet the flavors, swirl them around, don't get drunk on them. Get to know them, name them, and remember them. Next time you encounter a fruity Pinot, you can engage with joy and knowing. Like when a fancy friend serves you a wine you're already aquatinted with. It's fun to participate with familiarity.
Goggins recommends you cram all of those sour and nasty feelings into a blender, chug that shit, and ask for more until the mixture tastes sweet and nourishes you. Literally run on broken legs. His highest compliments are "hard motherfucker" and "stud."
They're both unexpectedly funny. Goggins references recent conversations with characters from his past. I appreciate someone who keeps up with his people.
Both scholars recognize that anguish is a finite material and stress the importance of your relationship with the uncomfortable. Pema isn't violent. She doesn't advocate for Taking Souls™ like Goggins. She circles the square of temporary anguish with temporary security. Goggins would agree that grasping comfort is a shortcut to growing soft. They both know the importance of getting put on the spot. Goggins points to personal experiences of obesity, depression, and Navy SEALS surf torture as the locations of his enlightenment. When you're toast, that's when you know what's up. Pema concurs that the only way to see this special mirror is in the dark.
One of many differences is where these philosophies lead their practitioners. Pema would say you go nowhere, and that's exactly fine. Goggins says there's a better version of you on the other side of all this work, and you earn it in sweat. I think it's a little of both.
All three of us would agree with Miley. It's the cliiiiiiiiiiiimb.
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Progress: 1711 miles. New PR of 27.8 miles in Vermont. This state is GREEN like their license plates.
Saw Ethan and Katie, cousins Ross and Nathan, and Zach Badger. Ethan and Katie pampered me on the 4th and protected me from a nasty microburst. This was the first time the cousins and I kicked it outside the confines of a family gathering -many more to follow. Badger came and put a hex on me. I forgot a jacket at a hostel, my shoe broke, and I left my stove at a shelter. Double backed for the stove. We marauded like it was 2012, like we were wearing NASCAR cutoffs or going as Oates and Oates for Halloween, and scared some day hikers. I'm so thankful for my visitors.
Taking this cluster of small new England states to recover, instead of push. New Hampshire, and Maine are next, and their spectre looms, in a fun way.
I've swapped Pema for the hardness of Goggins to prepare my mind for the hardest hiking, and I'm chasing that with Endurance, the story of a 19th century Antarctic expedition gone wrong. When I'm suffering in the Whites of New Hampshire, I'll be reading about Earnest Shackleton and his crew who undoubtedly had it worse.
Updates on Gear: I need to patch a couple holes in my tent. I got a bug net for my head and it's a game changer. The number of times I've tried to eat through it would astonish you.
Reader request: Scott of San Francisco asks "are you enlightened yet"
No I am not, but moments of clarity come at the same places they did before trail. Long days of exhaustion forcing your mind into new perspectives, and blissed out afternoons paddle boarding the Schycull River.